Insomnia: An Email To My Guy Friend

Posted January 27th, 2014 by June O'Hara and filed in Everything Else

Hey Brad,

It’s the middle of the night and I’m wide awake. I should go clean out the fridge or twist myself into some yoga poses, but I’m emailing you instead.

How goes the search for Vivian’s birthday present? I think a handbag is better than hockey tickets, if you ever want to have sex again. You just need to choose the right one. It should be attractive, but organizationally sound. Roomy, but with special pockets for lip gloss and tampons. I suggest you start at Macy’s, then move on to Bloomingdale’s. From there you’ll want to hit Liz Claiborne, Ann Taylor, Nine West, Loehmann’s, Neiman Marcus and DSW.

I know it sounds like a lot, but trust me, you’ll be fine.

HANDBAG

 

Strike that. You’ll be chum. Give me some dates and I’ll go with you.

I went to the dentist this morning. ”Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” was on the TV. You know how I know nothing about everything? Well, the planets must have been aligned just so, because I knew one answer after another. This, with my mouth clamped open, suction apparatus under my tongue, and cold water spraying my face. I begged God to let me shout the answers, but he was busy with the Super Bowl.

I know life isn’t fair, but being muted struck me as extreme.

I’ve been having trouble with my clients lately. I do my best to undermine them, but they keep getting better. Depressives, split personalities, hypochondriacs, flashers: They’re developing self-esteem, coping mechanisms, communication skills. Worse, they’re starting to think for themselves. Sometimes they even do healthy things! I’m telling you, many more professional successes and I’ll be shopping at the dollar store.

I think I’m going to watch TV now. There are a few episodes of “Mystery Diagnosis” I haven’t seen. Last week a guy had a tumor in his eardrum. It was really cool.

Let me know when you want to shop for purses.

Goodnight,

June

31 Comments
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31 Responses to “Insomnia: An Email To My Guy Friend”

  1. MikeWJ says:

    You work with flashers in your therapy practice? And you can help them?

    I’m, uhm, just asking for a friend.

    • June O'Hara says:

      Your friend is a very sick man indeed. But of course I can help him. I’ll tell him to zip it up.

  2. Alexandra says:

    Oh, why did this strike me in the heart so?? Loved it.

  3. Babs says:

    A tumour on his ear drum? Gross. Sounds about right for an insomniacs email.
    Babs recently posted…Oh pooh! I need the loo.My Profile

  4. June O'Hara says:

    Smiles, Bab. I guess you’re not into the Discovery Health Channel. Which may be a symptom of sanity.

  5. Cheryl P. says:

    I momentarily was feeling bad about your declining patient pool but then I realize that crazy behavior is running rampant and that a whole new batch of future clients are needing your help. Really…I am sure that the line will never end.
    Cheryl P. recently posted…My Brain Might Be ObeseMy Profile

    • June O'Hara says:

      Cheryl, my declining patient pool…love it. Hopefully more people will be desperate for help and will recover very, very slowly. :)

      Have a great day!

  6. Agent 54 says:

    Brad, you can’t go wrong with Coach. They are as well made as a pair of Koho Hockey Gloves and though they cost twice as much, Coach bags will last years and years compared to half a season for Hockey gloves.
    Dooney & Bourke (duck purse), Louis Vuitton, Are good too.
    Gucci are too expensive.
    Michael Kors are the hottest bags out there right now.

    How do I know this stuff? Uh, I don’t! Nevermind.
    Agent 54 recently posted…Poopsicles!My Profile

    • June O'Hara says:

      Agent, Ahhh….Coach. Dooney and Bourke.
      I’d have mentioned all of them, but was trying to think of options that wouldn’t set Brad back several hundred dollars. When did bags get so crazy expensive? And now you have to tell: how do you know all this?

      • Agent 54 says:

        I’ve been married for 22 years to the same person.

        You got to pick up a few tricks along the way.

        One Easter Sunday morning into Sunday afternoon, I played two Hockey games because the guys in the second game were shorthanded (won both games).
        That cost me a Dooney and Bourke but, it was worth it.
        Agent 54 recently posted…The Zero Acre WoodsMy Profile

  7. Lauren says:

    Hey, I keep trying to like the comments but nothing happens.

    Stupid patients getting better. How dare they! : ) I bet the split personalities are fun at parties.
    Lauren recently posted…Dog Threat Thwarted by iFeline Death RayMy Profile

  8. Indigo Roth says:

    June, I’m hooked on PRO-CELEBRITY BIOPSY on WIFFLE-HD, tho I’m not sure if they show that in your neck of the woods? If you’re short of patients, I’m happy to sit in at a very reasonable rate. I can do impotence or middle child syndrome at $10/hour, and free-floating anxiety or alien abductee issues for £20. Oedipal complex? Pfft, you couldn’t afford it. Roth x
    Indigo Roth recently posted…Yet Another BeginningMy Profile

  9. June O'Hara says:

    Indigo, you’re hysterical. Impotence, middle child syndryome, free floating anziety…I can’t tell you how amused I am.

    Clearly, we have some negotiating to do.

  10. Ben Ellard says:

    Read this aloud to Douf. Funny, perfect tone. Your voice, no doubt about it. More midnight messages, please.

    • June O'Hara says:

      Thanks, Ben! I’m actually thinking of making a “message” category on my blog. They’re fun to write. Glad you were amused!

      Who’s Douf?

  11. J. Bear Savo says:

    So you’re so good at being a therapist that you’re putting yourself out of business… Nice.

    • June O'Hara says:

      Yes, Bear. That’s the situation. I suspect it falls into the category of irony.

      Nice to see you. Loved your post!

  12. I wouldn’t worry about finding new clients to replace the old. Yours is a growth industry. And handbag shopping? Count me in!
    injaynesworld recently posted…injaynesworld it’s “The Nature of Flight…”My Profile

  13. Nicky says:

    Loved this, June. I immediately felt a connection to Brad. Do you think he would mind if I started emailing him during my bouts with insomnia?

    Oh, and as long as there are people like me, you’ll never want for work.
    Nicky recently posted…Bridges To NowhereMy Profile

  14. Perry Block says:

    Too bad I’m not your patient. Depression, split personality, hypochondria —I’ve got ‘em all!

    Developing self-esteem, coping mechanisms, communication skills? Not so much.
    Perry Block recently posted…Desperately Seeking LarryMy Profile

  15. June O'Hara says:

    I think Brad would like that, Nicky. In fact, I’m giving him your number.

    People like you?? Why whatever do you mean??

  16. The concept of a man shopping for a purse…hahahahaha!!

  17. June O'Hara says:

    I know, Lisa. It was hysterical. The whole thing amused me no end.

    Hope you’re getting some beach time in this summer!

  18. Phil says:

    You ever notice that when you get a bad bout of insomnia there is absolutely nothing to watch on all 780 channels of tv? How many infomercials can one watch?
    Phil recently posted…It’s all Penis Politics in NYC!My Profile

  19. June O'Hara says:

    You’re right, Phil. I don’t know how it’s possible, but it’s true!

  20. bev says:

    first how am i missing these posts and second jayne is right. you can’t swing a dead cat anywhere without hitting a bit of crazy. :)

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