Meeting New Year’s With Resolve
At 9:20 this morning, I considered making a New Year’s resolution.
At 9:21, my diaphragm quivered. A sheen of sweat broke out over my upper lip.
At 9:22, I vomited a little into the back of my mouth.
At 9:23, I swigged some Pepto-Bismol and returned to bed.
This, at the mere thought of self-betterment.
At 11:30, slurping my coffee, I resolved to greet this New Year just as I did the last.
I renounce any change that could result, no matter how minutely or indirectly, in personal growth.
In 2013, I will continue to:
1. Say “fuck” under my breath around children
2. Put my bras in the washing machine
3. Poke my cat’s head when she looks excessively relaxed, telling myself that she likes it
4. Bristle when a client starts to cry the minute our session is ending
5. Start sentences with conjunctions
6. React negatively to happy books and movies, and continue to recommend ”The House Of Sand and Fog” as the ideal beach read
7. Refuse to wear any article of clothing that has the potential to creep up my ass
8. Put off unclogging my salt shaker
9. Nurse my disdain for William Shatner
10. Try to make the word “pericardium” in Bananagrams, even if I have none of the letters
11. Find any excuse to make bread pudding, then claim victimhood when I gain weight
12. Fail to turn the page on my calendar every month
and, my friends, more than anything,
13. I will continue to rail against parking injustices.
As if you’d expect any different.
Happy New Year, all.
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The only personal growth I’m familiar with is on my upper lip, and I can’t get the hell rid of it. But, oh for the chance just once to snatch off Shatner’s toupee.
Marginal New Year to you, June!
Shatner’s toupee, Perry? You’re a man after my own heart.
My year, as every, will be truly marginal. And I return the wish for you.
Happy New Year.
Because it really is hard to improve on perfection…
Happy New Year, my funny friend.
Aw, Jayne, you too. I hope everything goes perfectly for you in 2013. And congratulations on resting right next to Nora Ephron!
see, this is what i’ve been waiting for. i was becoming disillusioned with my present repertoire of parlour tricks but now i have seen the light. jesus christ june, i’m great, just like you – well you’re greater, i’m just one of your disciples
thanks and happy new year. xx
Bev! Your parlour tricks never lose their magic! And I’m not just saying that because I wanted to write “parlour.” We must not allow ourselves to lose confidence or get blocked by anxiety in 2013!
Hugs and Happy New Year
It is highly likely that I will continue being until I am rot. Rather than dwell on the deficits of my existence which become meaningless once gone, I too shall continue just as I am.
Persisting to be since 1964.
Happy New Year, June!
Lynne Favreau recently posted…Glad Tidings and a Peaceful New Year to You All
You too, Lynne. Keep trucking just as you are!
I love bread pudding!!!
Happy New Year to you too, and thanks for a very funny post!
Robert
Mulled Vine recently posted…She
Mr. Mulled, I am obsessed with bread pudding! Truly obsessed!
Your words are much appreciated, and I wish you a wonderful New Year.
Best New Year’s resolutions ever! I hope you feel better and continue saying “fuck” under your breath around children. They’re such babies!
Happy New Year!
Lauren recently posted…The Next Big Thing: Hint – It Has Nothing to Do with Porn!
They are, Lauren. They should toughen up and acquire fast admiration for the filth that comes out of my mouth!
I hope you have a wonderful New Year, my friend.
Oh my goodness, June you continue to make me laugh! Happy New Year!!!
Lisa
I’m so glad you laughed, Lisa! Have a wonderful New Year!
Hi June. Sounds like you have your work cut out for you…very cute! I also love bread pudding and can’t stand William Shatner. I love Perry’s remark about snatching off his toupee.
Hey, Nancy! Yes, I love discovering other people who feel like I do about William Shatner.
Have a wonderful, successful and prosperous New Year. I’m so happy you stopped by.
You awesomely sweet woman, I would NEVER want you to change a thing!
And I am SO glad to see I’m not the only one with a bread puudding addiction. *sigh*
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
Chris Dean recently posted…I’m Sorry I Insulted The 7" Blizzard!
Ah, bread pudding, Chris. I’ve become obsessed!
Happy New Year to you also!
I’m glad to see you took the last year to heart and are now enlightened and running with wolves. Not. I am still somewhat in shock that Chris Dean (above) used the expression ‘awesomely sweet’ to describe you and AFTER reading this post. Maybe she has a condition or maybe I’ve confused you with someone else…
Hugs, my sweet, so happy to have found you.
brenda recently posted…Remembering You
Leave Chris alone, Brenda! Thank God there’s someone like like her out there, who casts me not as spawn of the devil. It’s a novel, almost pleasant, change of pace for me!
Ditto on the rest, Ms. Peppercorn.
Happy new year! Thanks for the chuckle. For the past few years I’ve told people that I’ve given up on self-improvement and am focused on self-acceptance.
And darn it (yep, I too start sentences with conjunctions), I have always put my bras in the washer!
Nadine Feldman recently posted…Friday Fun: Holiday Films
I recall that from last year, Nadine — that you value self-acceptance these days. Your thoughts stuck with me. Be they for the better or worse….
Flippin’ bras. I’m just not up to the challenge of such pampering.
Have a fantastic New Year and keep staying true to yourself!
Happy New Year to you, June! May the laughs continue into 2013!
You as well, Annie. I hope everything is easy and bright for you in 2013! You certainly earned it.
Sounds like the perfect beginning to yet another new year!!
Edith recently posted…Alexandra Sokoloff on Rewriting your NaNoWriMo Novel, plus exciting e-book giveaways
I’m glad you think so, Edith! Enjoy the New Year!
Yes! Stay just the way you are… Especially the cat head-poking issues.
And oh my GOD the parking infractions. I don’t know about your home, but in Chicago we have smug parking enforcement that I personally want to drop kick and my boyfriend has almost gotten into a physical altercation with in the middle of a busy street. Scum of the earth….
Now that, that is out of my system, have a wonderful New Year, June. I hope 2013 is a great year for you.
Jean recently posted…Considering Time Alone With You
Jean,
OMG, you have parking issues too?? We must never, never meet in person. People’s lives would be endangered.
I wouldn’t do Quentin Tarrantino, either. Just sayin.’
I hope tha New Year brings all kinds of new gifts to you, Jean. Have a happy!
No worries, Jean. I’ll keep poking my cat’s head.
Parking…..???? You don’t want to start me. Really. It’s central to every aspect of my being, in ways that frighten people.
I hope you have a truly wonderful year, with lots of happiness and smiles.
This has got to be some of the best resolutions I’ve read to date. I found a link to your blog on Lauren’s “Think Spin” and I’m so glad I tripped down the rabbit hole. Love your writing style!
Terrye recently posted…Spoil Yourself
Terrye, I’m thrilled you found my blog and got a chuckle. Hopefully I’ll see you again. Have a fantastic New Year!!
I think everything on your list just adds to you awesomeness. Don’t change a thing and stay your funny self.
Happy New Year!!!
PS 1,3,and 7 should be standard behavior for everyone.
Cheryl P. recently posted…Crazy Didn’t Take a Holiday Break
Numbers 1, 3 and 7, Cheryl? Bwaaaahhhhhh!!! Clearly, we have a lot in common.
God bless the Internet.
Happy New Year, my friend!
Not off on the most promising start, are we?
To the contrary, Ben. I will live up to every promise I made.
Happy New Year!
Amen!! Happy New Year, June!!
meleah rebeccah recently posted…Happy New Year MoFos – Wrapping up 2012 – Welcoming 2013
You too, Meleah! I hope you have a wonderful year.
Glad to see you’ve decided not to change a bit, although it makes it a bit of a challenge as to what to wish you… I know, I hope 2013 is and I hope you are too!
Nicky recently posted…Snow, Glorious Snow
Nicky, you always know exactly just what to say.
It’s great to see you! Hope all’s gone your way in 2012 and just keeps getting better!