My Olympian Life

Posted August 5th, 2012 by June O'Hara and filed in Everything Else

I’d have liked to be in the Olympics this year, but I had too many chores around the house. All of which I’ve shoved aside so I could watch the events.

Irony? For sure. But there’s an up side. Simple spectator-ship has alleviated great pressure and allowed me to explore the Olympics from new and different angles.

This morning, a male trampoline competitor was suited in emerald green — the exact color of my bridesmaids’ dresses twenty-five years ago. It lacked the black velvet bodice and off-the-shoulder sleeves, but it got me thinking. If I was an Olympian, I’d say fuck the red, white and blue. I’d insist upon periwinkle leggings and an eggshell top with iridescent purple paisley winding up my side and three-quarters of the way down my left arm. If I was refused, I’d have a full-out tantrum next to the parallel bars.

But that’s just me.

A thought: Those outfits aren’t cheap, and I can’t see wearing them more than once.

Just sayin.’

Have you noticed how skin-tight the men’s ensembles are? If one of them got wood, it would stick out like a mutant, two pound thumb. And be televised around the world, including his Aunt Gurtie’s living room.

This morning I was disabused of the notion that water polo involves horses.

Can someone please tell me why they aren’t showing skiing?

When I watch Olympic athletes, I’m acutely aware of their years of grueling practice, all culminating in a single performance. If you ask me, they’re held to unreasonably high standards. Points are lost for an imperfect quadruple flying buttress followed by a triple-Dutch-lutz-loop, or a pinky toe gone briefly awry after an impeccable series of double French spiral jackknives, complete with a Jeri-Curl finish, on the balance beam.

You know what? Just once, I’d like to see an Olympic judge attempt a somersault cum twisted camel on the gymnastic rings or trampoline. Then see how he scores the athletes. In the meantime, I’ll make due with poison pen letters.

If they have synchronized swimming, why not synchronized golf?

This morning in the shower I began to wonder, if I could create an Olympic sport, what would it be?

My first thought was reading. But what if the chosen books were fantasy or science fiction? Or worse, Anna Karenina? Could I ask for extra-large print? Would I have to identify a theme? A metaphor?

I just didn’t think I could win.

My second thought was Bananagrams. This was summarily dismissed: I make wonderful, impressive words, but lose every game in the process.

Then, from on high, it came to me.

Shoe shopping.

In this I excel.

Endurance: I can start at Marshall’s at 10:00 am and cover every mall in Northern Jersey by 9:30 pm, without ever stopping to pee.

Speed: I move fast.

Acquisition level: I’ve bought up to 87 gorgeous pairs of shoes in the course of one afternoon.

Bonus points earned: Some shoes fit; 3.5 points. A few I could actually walk in; 4.1 points.

Sale locator skills: I’m your girl.

Go, U.S.A.!

So tell me. . .what could you win a gold medal for?


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40 Responses to “My Olympian Life”

  1. BenEllard says:

    Cross-country bowling.

  2. Nicky says:

    Shoe shopping! That’s brilliant, June. I can already see the possibilities: synchronized shoe shopping, bi-shoe-athalon, beach shoe shopping, artistic shoe shopping, Greco-Roman wrestling for the last pair of Steve Maddens on sale…

  3. June O'Hara says:

    Nicky, you’re the best!Synchronized shoe shopping! LOL! I wonder if there’d be penalty points for having dingy socks or chipped toe-polish?

    I’d be more inclined to fight for Ann(?) Klein than Stever Madden. Not that there’s anything wrong with that…

  4. Lauren says:

    LOL! I hate it when the pinky toe goes awry. How ’bout synchronized shoe shopping or downhill keyboarding?

  5. June O'Hara says:

    Lauren, don’t you hate when that happens? I sometimes leave a comment on FB without considering the 1,000 other responses that went before. At least on a blog you can explain yourself!

  6. How about cleaning or laundry avoidance? Or wine drinking? I’d kick everyone’s ass and bring home two times the gold Phelps could ever dream of. Fact.

  7. June O'Hara says:

    Laura, LOL! Avoiding laundry as an Olympic sport. Classic!

  8. kris landt says:

    Hilarious! I love it, especially the water polo comment. What’s up with those silly bonnets? I’d definitely medal in coffee-slurping, wine-guzzling, chocolate-nibbling, rapid self-checkout grocery shopping, the creative use of leftovers, and flying by the seat of my pants.

  9. June O'Hara says:

    Rapid self-checkout, Kris? You’re my idol. It’s too high-tech for me. (I’m only half kidding.)

    I love wine guzzling and flying by the seat of your pants, too.

    I’m so happy you stopped by.

  10. Definitely something involving nail polish. I’m closing in on 400 bottles and have some skill with nail art. I’m loving the fancy manicures the swimmers and others have. I could be the team manicurist.

  11. June O'Hara says:

    Ah, nail polish. Good one, Ms. Maiden. I have my fair share — not 400, but still. Thing is, I have no skill. I envy yours.

    Thank you so much for stopping by!

  12. roentarre says:

    I dont think I could ever work that hard to gain 0.02 sec faster performance in anything.

    You are right. It is quite funny that there are all people from all walks of life. We all differ

  13. June O'Hara says:

    Roentarre, I know! .02 of a second! Amazing.

    I’m so happy you stopped by.

  14. Terri says:

    Cross-country worrying? Hey, is there a way to follow your blog via email? Love your book title and your willingness to speak up and out!

    • June O'Hara says:

      Cross country worrying!! Love it.

      I’m glad you like my “outspokenness,” if that’s what you want to call it. :)

  15. Babs says:

    I could win a gold medal for being the least likely to ever win a gold medal for anything.

  16. June O'Hara says:

    Babs! Stop! Of course there are things you’d win a medal for. Would it relieve some pressure to go for a silver?

  17. brenda says:

    I’ve given your question serious consideration, June, but I’m without a sport in which I’d excel. I have a font, though, does that count for entry into the club. I am good, perhaps in your league of shoe buying, at buying cosmetics. You name the brand and it’s probably my instant beauty bag that I am never without. On the subject of mascara, I could write a chapbook on.

    Ode to Mascara

    Tears fall
    Taking you
    My cheeks
    Stained, black
    Streams zig
    Left, right
    Until there is
    No evidence
    I paid
    For a tube
    Of everlasting
    All day, all night
    Waterproof Mascara

    On the subject of costumes, I always thought the designers of ABBA should be consulted. I am still pondering your question of golf and synchronized swimming.

  18. I love this post.
    How about blog reading? I’m actually not doing that well in it at the current moment but if I could call it “training” I would step up my game big time.
    Stopping by from Scary Mommy. Thanks for your comment.

  19. June O'Hara says:

    As far as I’m concerned, Christine, you aren’t just in training. You’re a top contender. If anyone questions it, just send them my way. I’ll set them straight.

    I’m so glad you stopped by.

  20. JustMe says:

    Are you kidding? Those guys running around in tight booty shorts is the main reason I WATCH the Olympics. A single girl’s gotta get it where she can…

  21. June O'Hara says:

    Ms. Just,

    I’m still speechless over the books.

    Am I to understand you watch the Olympics waiting for gymnastic boners? If so, I applaud you.

    I’m so very glad you stopped by.

  22. Sci-Fi Gene says:

    I was going to make an innocent comment along the lines of, why is there no three legged race in the Olympics, but I don’t think I will now.

  23. June O'Hara says:

    Gene, what would stop you from suggesting it? It’s a valid idea!

    So glad you stopped by! Thanks.

  24. Lynne Favreau says:

    With years of infant/toddler teaching and nanny training-I’m sure I could win a gold medal in the dual diaper change/swaddle so long as I’m not up against any neonatal nurses—those gals are beasts.

  25. Alexandra says:


    There are so many categories I’d gold in.

    Procrastination, reality denial, laziness, giving up, half assedness.

    You’d hear nothing but the national anthem for my country, Slovenly, all day long.


  26. June O'Hara says:

    Alexandra, you’re a gem. A gem, I say! And do not denigrate the country of Slovens. I live there 11 months out of the year.

    Thank you so much for stopping by.

  27. Lady J says:

    Umm… shoe shopping all day without having to stop and pee? You do deserve the gold metal! The American National Anthem will sound so sweet and you stand here, squeezing your legs together, trying not to pee on yourself in excitement :)Thanks for making the country proud!

    Great entry. Made me laugh and enjoy my morning coffee a little more today!

  28. June O'Hara says:

    Lady J, when shoes come into the picture, a few of my vital organs shut down so I can fully concentrate. My bladder just happens to be one. No heroics on my part, just automatic adaptation to extreme circumstances.

    You’re so sweet to drop by. Shenanigans like yours are what makes this country proud!

  29. bev says:

    great, funny post. i’m watched the women’s weight lifting and admit to feeling a bit better about myself but then i wondered about hook ups involving them at the athelete’s village – headline may read -“female russian weightlifter crushes tiny male gymnast in snatch”

    would love for you to check out my blog

    new follower

  30. June O'Hara says:

    Hey, Bev! I like the way you think!

    I’m so glad you’re following and am now off to check out your blog.

  31. Sci-Fi Gene says:

    Some other events that should be Olympic sports:
    list making
    pastry cooking
    programming your TV system (Tivo and Sky+ events)

  32. Is channel surfing a sport? I rock at channel surfing.

  33. I’d win a gold medal for vacuuming and cleaning.

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