The Mystery Of The Blue Ass

Posted January 5th, 2014 by June O'Hara and filed in Embarrassments

I’m loathe to admit it, but the heat in my office occasionally gives rise to a generously proportioned zit on my ass. It’s usually nestled between the cheeks, hidden from view unless one goes looking. More often than not, I give my boyfriend a heads up. I’d rather warn him than contend with his expression of shock should he happen to stumble upon it.

Last week in the shower I noticed a large blue mark on my ass. It wasn’t biologically based, an errant vein or unnoticed bruise. Its hue was closer to neon spandex or a form of chemical waste. It was also water resistant.

Whatever its origin, it had no business on my ass.

“What could this be?” I asked Jake.

“Huh? What could what be?”

The mark was in a difficult spot to view. Risking spinal cord injury, I leaned over, twisted to the right, and yanked at my flesh. Twist, pull. Twist, pull. “Right there,” I said. “Can you see it?”

“Wow,” Jake said. “That’s one hell of a zit.”

“Great,” I sighed. “Fucking great.”

I stood up, took a deep breath. Everyone gets an ass zit every now and then, I told myself. Even Nicole Kidman.

Soothed by the image of Nicole Kidman with an ass boil, I repositioned myself under a stronger lamp. “Here,” I said, pointing to the offending area. “”Look. It’s right here.”

“Oh yeah,” Jake said. “Now I see it.”

“What the hell is it?”

“Huh.” Jake scratched his head. “I don’t know.”  Then, “Have you worn anything bright lately? Anything that might have bled?”

Naturally, I’d examined every blue to periwinkle object in my apartment as if on CSI. Nothing compared to the shade of my ass tattoo.

“No,” I said. “Not even close.”

Clearly, the answer wasn’t going to present itself just then. Jake and I shrugged, turned on the TV and went to bed.

This morning I flopped down on the couch with my coffee. I looked once, then again. There it was on the cushion: the residue of a blue M&M. I suddenly recalled falling asleep there while eating candy two nights prior.

Apparently, a blue M&M has made its way to my ass.

Apparently, I’d rolled around on it.

I do not relish the confession that I molested an M&M in my sleep. Any more than I do shaving one leg and forgetting the other, plugging an extension cord into itself or wondering where the hell I parked. And yet. . .

I manage to make them all happen.

The Password | Insomnia: An Email To My Guy Friend

27 Responses to “The Mystery Of The Blue Ass”

  1. Mulled Vine says:

    Hilarious!!!!!! 😀

  2. June O'Hara says:

    I’m so glad you got a kick, Robert! Big, big smiles. Thanks for the comment!

  3. Ben Ellard says:

    Ass zits and M&Ms. Amazing how you lay bare the human condition. Reminds me of Louis C.K. Be flattered.

  4. Babs says:

    Ha ha! I love it! Your mouth is where M&Ms are supposed to go.

  5. June O'Hara says:

    I did know that at some point, Babs. But somewhere along the way, I think I lost sight of it.

    Thanks for the comment!

  6. Lauren says:

    OMG. That was so funny. I’ll be careful the next time I eat M&Ms. And I used to worry about them getting stuck between the couch cushions.

  7. Issa says:

    Since you have been so brave to admit this to the internet, I can step up and admit that I had a similar problem with a lime Skittle and my elbow.

    • June O'Hara says:

      Melissa, I applaud your honesty and your courage. We should get together and start a support group. Of course, we would be the leaders.

      Thanks so much for your comment! I laughed out loud when I read it.

  8. June O'Hara says:

    Used to worry, Lauren? If those M&M’s are still there, I’m sleeping at your house tonight.

  9. brenda says:

    Well. maybe if you wore undies. How you find yourself in these, let’s call them unique, moments, is a constant source of amazement to me, and the fact that you SHARE with our unsuspecting eyes with no fear, also unbelievable. I learned a long time ago not to read you posts in public places as I am prone to outburst of embarrassing chortles. I have to go cut cucumbers now and place them on my eyes… they are still in shock.

    • June O'Hara says:

      Brenda, try shoving a carrot into your eye(s). It’s cheaper, better for your vision and, if you do it right, shouldn’t hurt a bit.

  10. Jesus, girlfriend. You are so stinkin’ funny. How I long to just hang out with you and down a few beers.

  11. June O'Hara says:

    I’d love it, Jayne! Love. It. We’d have a ball.

  12. Ding-ding-ding-ding, give the lady a lollipop. I was guessing M&M. Never mind why.

    BTW, the best way to eat M&M’s is pop a few in your mouth and take a sip of tea. The inside chocolate melts then you squish them with your tongue and you get a nice little crispy crunchy collapse and melty warm chocolate ooze.

  13. Phil says:

    LOL! I laughed from start to finish on this one. Still trying to figure out how the M&M made it’s way between your ass cheeks.

    The mysteries of life…..

  14. June O'Hara says:

    I’m so glad you laughed, Phil. As for how the M&M made it to that specific location, I still wonder myself.

    Thanks for stopping by and for your comment!

  15. Cheryl P. says:

    Ah the power of the Internet….you have the power to cause a person (well…me actually) to think about your ass every time I eat a blue M&M in the future.

  16. June O'Hara says:

    Just concentrate on the green ones, Cheryl. They’re the ones that really count.

    Good to see you!

  17. I am DYING laughing, June!! I hope I never accidentally fall asleep on top of any colored candies.

  18. June O'Hara says:

    I’m glad you laughed, Meleah! And yeah, watch where or on what you sleep. . .

  19. Agent 54 says:

    No! Not Nicole Kidman. Say it isn’t so.

  20. bev says:

    imagine if it was a candy cane or one of those licorice babies. the possibilities are endless. thanks for making me laugh.

  21. Mulva74 says:

    If l could laugh more hysterically, a tsunami might occur.

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