The President’s Secrets
This Presidents’ Day, I’m not well-informed enough to address the political aspects of politics. Instead, I’m setting forth queries, each an invitation to speculate upon the more intimate aspects of presidential life.
Here’s what I wonder:
1. If, as the President, you spill chocolate milk on Mrs. Lincoln’s hand-sewn bedspread, are you in trouble? Either way, who decides?
2. As the President, can you admit that you like Beevis and Butthead? To anyone? Ever?
3. Is there a special, time-honored, presidential alarm clock, or does the President set his cell phone alarm? Or does he get a wake-up call? If he gets a wake-up call, is the voice terse and serious (“It’s time, Mr. President.”) or chipper (“Rise and shine, sleepy-head!”) or velvety-smooth (“Your breakfast awaits, Mr. President.”) And, if the President requests to be roused by a mellifluous, French accent, a gruff Irish brogue or bovine noises, is he obliged?
4. In the wake of an assassination attempt, does the President ever feel flattered by the attention?
5. How many of the President’s decisions are made during sexual negotiations with the First Lady?
6. Is the President allowed to go on Facebook? Can he send unlimited friend requests? If somebody declines his friendship — or, worse, unfriends him — does the Secret Service target them for retribution?
7. Does the President ever wake up screaming from a nightmare that he’s fallen into Polk-like obscurity?
8. Does the President apply his own suntan lotion?
9. You’re the President, addressing the nation. You feel an air pocket descending in your belly, threatening to storm your sphincter. What are your options? Do you take some kind of action, or just clench hard and hope for the best?
10. As the President, can you finally talk back to your mother?
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OMG, June! These questions are HILARIOUS!
Where do you come up with this stuff?
Jodi, so often I have a thought and ask myself, “Where the hell did that come from?” Usually, I have no idea.
Meh… the wake up call was the only good one.
I’m with Jodi. The way your mind operates is always a wonder to me. You write what some who watch the news and stay connected (for the record this is not me) only think.. I for one always wonder what Queen Elizabeth keeps in her purse. Does the President wipe out his platinum visa at dinner or…? As for number 6, forget the Pres, how does one human being even have 763 plus friends? I have 2.5 and I can barely stay in touch with them…
Brenda, what Queen Elizabeth keeps in her purse…I find that a very interesting question. How do people in the public eye maintain their private, bodily selves? I really do wonder.
Too funny! Even though I am a Canadian, I am not the least bit interested in the answers to those questions if posed to our Prime Minister (but I do believe he has a Facebook account!).
Thanks for the laugh!
You never know what your Prime Minister might be up to, Astra! I’m glad you got a chuckle.
You found a way to make President’s Day interesting. God, you’re good.
Thank you greatly, Jayne. And for the tweet. You made my day.
Loved it! Nicely done. Inquiring minds want to know.
Is the President allowed to watch porn or does his assistant watch it for him and then report back?
Oh, Lauren, that opens up a dangerous line of inquiry. I’m going to behave and keep my mouth shut. For once.
Polk-like obscurity? Do you have any idea how many Polk counties there are? Neither do I, but it’s a lot.
Point taken, Ben.
That’s just because everyone wants a good Polking now and again…
You just gave me one good reason to feel more powerful than the President: I do in fact wake up to an alarm sound of my choice, which does in fact happen to be bovine noises. Sometimes also feline.
I love it, Scroll! LOL.
If the President cant show up fom work, who does he get a note from?
Exactly, John!! Exactly!