The Wedding Guest
Diane and I met and became friends in our junior year of college. She was a psychology major: caring, sensitive, compassionate. Better, she was funny and liked to smoke pot. The perfect companion.
Diane had been dating her boyfriend, Brian, for a year. They were inseparable, in love, and, it seemed, emminently compatible.
From the time I met Diane, she made it clear, to Brian and to all who knew them, that she wanted to marry him after graduation.
Nearing the end of their senior year, Brian, easy-going and mild of manner, produced a ring. A year later, I attended their wedding with my own fiance.
A year after that, I told Diane she’d be receiving an invitation to my own wedding.
After congratulating me, she confided that she was sleeping with someone. Someone other than Brian.
I didn’t approve. But I said nothing.
Diane arrived at my wedding not with Brian, but with her lover.
To be clear: The invitation had been addressed to Diane and Brian Cravitz.
I was appalled, but said nothing.
My new husband and I honeymooned in Jamaica.
My most vivid honeymoon memory is of sitting poolside, obsessing on whether I should send Diane a thank-you note. And, if I did, what I would say.
I’ll tell you what I did, but first, what would you have done?
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Oh, that’s a good one. Sometimes it’s easier to keep your mouth shut, but is it the best move? Thinking back on who I was at that age, I probably wouldn’t have done a thing, but I would have lost a hell of a lot of respect for her.
Same thing sort of happened to me. My fiance and I did everything with this other married couple. She was a bridesmaid in our wedding and we obviously assumed they’d be coming together. The day of the wedding she showed up with another woman. Switched teams and I didn’t even know it.
Wow, Annie! Your story beats mine hands-down! Too funny. What did you do?
Nothing…absolutely nothing. I “played through” as they say on the golf course. (I hope they say that…I don’t golf.)
I never fashioned you as a golfer, Annie. I admit, I’m a little relieved.
I would have sent a short thank you. Next time I spoke with her, I would have said I was a little surprised to see her there with someone else, and leave it at that.
C, I sent her a thank you card that read, “Thank you for your gift.” That was it. I never followed up with her and I regret it, if only because I don’t know how things played out. (Yes, I’m awful. Yes, I know it.)
Thanks for piping up!
Oh man. That’s ballsy rude. It’s not my relationship so strictly in keeping with etiquette, she’d get a thank you note. But like Annie said, I’d lose a hell of a lot of respect for her. Then again, I’m not privy to the relationship she has with her husband.
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Lynn, you looked at it from every angle. Nice!
Yes. Right, wrong or indifferent, I lost every last bit of respect.
Then, probably nothing, out of shock. Now,
probably nothing, because I’ve learned that life is complicated. People often make surprising choices. We just don’t always know about them.
Very wise words, Mike. I’ve been turning them over in my mind for a while now. You’re absolutely right.
I agree with Mike. Although, I would have followed up with her if for no other reason than to get the scoop.
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Jayne, my thinking exactly! It kills me that I didn’t.
Like Annie, at that age I would have probably said nothing. I would have been too stunned. Amazingly, at my age now, I would have definitely said nothing as most of my married friends have had casual and sometimes long-term affairs and who am I to judge. Whatever blows your dress up is my motto. Of course, you must understand that’s why I wrote my novel, “Husbands May Come and Go but Friends are Forever.”
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Good philosophy, Judith. And it makes me really curious about your book. I’ll have to check it out.
Thanks for the comment!
it would depend entirely on her gift.
Bev, hmmm. . .I’m not sure what to make of that. Although I will say, her gift was minimal because Diane wasn’t making much money at the time.
well since she broke the friendship agreement by putting you in an awkward position on your wedding day, you are no longer bound by the guidelines of that agreement. therefore you are free to proceed with the “fallout” the fallout should be in direct relation to the size of the wedding gift. an expensive gift would may or may not buy your silence. but since her gift was minimal you are also released from any blackmail sceme. so, as they say in star trek “fire at will” xx
So well thought out, Bev. It’s like an algebraic equation or legal argument. I’m not sure I agree, but I’m definitely impressed.
Gee, it feels like the The Ethicist here. I’d thank her profusely for the gift and bill her for the food and drink ingested by Mr. not-Brian-Cravitz.
Ben, the Ethicist? My boyfriend and I read it all the time. Social Q’s, too. Love them. This is my own personal “Social Q.”
Love your idea about the gift. Love.
To make you feel a little better about your reaction. I had a friend who I had shared many years and a lot of juvenile laughs with. She got married to a man she met on holiday, which we all thought was a desperate attempt not to be left on the shelf, especially as I had just married. He had a sister, who also married a man that my friend had always fancied. While her husbands sister was in hospital having their first baby, my friend cemented an affair with her husband. Brother and sister both hurt very badly, to say nothing of the new baby losing it’s father.
I was disgusted at her behaviour and I didn’t see her again for some time. Out of the blue she came to see me with her new man and said they were moving far away and didn’t want to go without seeing me. I didn’t ask for an address or phone number. Now I am ashamed of my judgemental attitude. Should she (and the chap) have married the brother and sister, knowing that they fancied each other? Of course not, but at that young age (19 or 20) we go along with things that we shouldn’t.
I wish I could meet up with her again. I often think of her.
Sorry it was such a long comment
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I know what you mean, Babs. I still think of Diane sometimes. I wish I knew how things worked out for her. That said, I did not appreciate the wedding situation!
Wow! I have no idea what I’d do in a situation like that. As for the thank you letter, I would simply ignore the boyfriend and write to Mrs. & Mr. Cravitz.
Marilyn, you mean you’d out her to her husband? Wow! I never even thought of that. Her husband was such a good guy. I felt awful for him.
I would address it just to Diane, not to Brian or the other guy who came – and I would not mention anything about the other guy in the note – just a simple thank you for the gift. Looking forward to hearing what you’d do.
Lisa, I did exactly what you would have done. My thank you card read, “Thank you for your gift.” No more, no less. If I had it to do over again, I might have discussed it with her. I was just so appalled, I didn’t want to talk to her. At all. Her husband was such a good guy. . .
Pretty much it’s an awkward situation but best handled with a simple thank you card, and stay clear of the drama. Discuss personally at a later date. Perhaps there is much more going on in their relationship that can been known from this instance.
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You’re right, Phil. You’re absolutely right.
I’m off to check out your “Eff You, Cupid!” post.
Thanks so much for the comment!
That’s one for the record books. I guess the name cards would have been a problem. I would have ignored it. The last thing you want is some asshole/friend ruining your wedding day.
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Asshole / friend. There was a lot of overlap that day!