Worth His While
I have more embarrassing moments than your average bear. It’s the defining feature of my life, the essence of my core, ever propelling me to new frontiers of personal humiliation. On a scale of one to ten, the magnitude of my blunders can fall anywhere between three and forty-six. Some are easily forgotten. Others shoehorn their way into my thoughts at random, hum-drum moments: stopped at red lights, put on hold, moisturizing my cuticles. When especially bored, I relive entire scenarios. In high definition. With surround sound.
Heat wave, summer of 2007. I needed someone to put my air conditioner into my window. Thing was, I didn’t know who to ask. I was single. My guy friends weren’t from the area. And the super in my building had already had three heart attacks. I didn’t want to be the causal factor in his fourth.
There was, however, one possibility. The twenty-some-odd year old kid who did handy work around my building. I was daunted by the prospect of asking him, though. Never once had I seen him smile or say an audible “hello” to anyone. With that kind of aversion to human interaction, I couldn’t fathom how he’d respond to a request for a favor. Of course I’d throw him a couple of bucks; that was a given. But how much was appropriate? Five dollars? Ten? Fifteen? Either way, should I make it clear that I’d compensate him for his time?
It all seemed so complicated.
This, I thought, was exactly the kind of situation that drove happily single women into ill-advised relationships with men in toolbelts.
Waking up in soaking sheets one morning, I finally buckled. As I was leaving for work, I spotted the kid pruning a hedge, his back to me. ”You can do this,” I told myself. ”It’s no big deal.” Smoothing my skirt, I took a deep breath and sallied forth.
“Excuse me,” I said.
No response.
I cleared my throat. “Excuse me,” I said again, this time a little louder.
The kid turned, looked at me and muttered, “Yeah?”
“Could you. . .” My voice cracked; I paused. Then, ”Could you possibly help me get an air conditioner in my window?”
The kid murmured something. I thought it was yes, but couldn’t be sure.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “Was that a yes?”
“Yeah. I guess,” he mumbled. He shifted his weight to his other leg.
Great, I thought. He doesn’t want to do it, but can’t bring himself to refuse an old broad with no men in her life. How much more awkward could this be? And what the hell should I say now?
“Well, thank you,” I said. Then, “I’ll make it worth your while.”
The kid averted his eyes. Visibly fighting a smile, he said, ”Uh. . .okay.”
As I replayed my words, “I’ll make it worth your while,” a series of shocks detonated, one by one, up my spine, coalescing into a burning fireball of shame. I couldn’t flee. I’d worn my beloved, high-heeled, Joan and David sandals. I was certain to trip on the stairs and go airborne, arms and legs akimbo. Best case, I’d end up in traction. Worst, I’d see myself in an episode of ”America’s Funniest Home Videos,” or a similar show with an equally annoying host.
I was forced to try and fake dignity.
“Alright, then,” I said falteringly. “I’ll be home tomorrow. Come by in the late morning or early afternoon.”
The end to this story isn’t cataclysmic. The kid put in my air conditioner. I gave him ten bucks. Still, this kid, emblematic of every stupid thing I’ve ever done or said, has chores that place him all over the building. In the laundry room, by the mailboxes, on the front lawn: I see him everywhere. When I leave my apartment, there’s always a chance he’ll be scrubbing the hallway outside my door and I’ll have to step over him.
Did ten dollars make it worth this kid’s while? I can’t say. All it bought me was a world of pain.
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ROFL I feel for you. This was great.
Hugs!
Thanks, Cat! I’m so glad you got a laugh.
“I’ll make it worth your while.” Classic. I wonder if he was disappointed. LOL.
I’ve said dumb things like that, too. It’s like you’re hearing an echo of your words after saying them. Kind of like an out of body experience, but you’ve got to move back in.
Absolutely love your writing.
Thank you, Lauren. And I love your, but you’ve got to move back in. It really does feel like that. Ugh.
Oh, you are too funny! I can relate to that. I’m such a klutz you’d think I’d have become a professional stunt woman.
I once went down a flight of stairs head first catching the fourth stair with my hands and “walked” down the rest of the flight like a dog. Saved my face, lost my dignity. Oh, and it was the front steps of my high school–at end of the day–with the entire student body watching.
My stomach clenches just thinking about it!
My moment can’t compete with this one (it made my day!), but it still makes me laugh… and wince.
It was at the Newbury Steak House in Boston — a hip, 20 something place where I was waitressing during my college days. I had a party of about seven young professionals, including the cutest, most charming guy…and he was clearly interested. As they’re leaving, he turns to me and says, “I’d like to come back to see…” I interrupted with a way-too-big smile and said, way too loudly, “Oh, I hope fo.” That’s not a typo. The other seven became silent, the moment froze, he blushed for me, I blushed for me, and that was that. “Oh, I hope fo.” Jeez.
Andrea, I feel your pain. Doesn’t it suck when you hear the stupidest thing in the world come out of your mouth?? I’m thrilled that you stopped by.
Oh. My. God. Lynne! That’s awful! But face saving was definitely the way to go. I’d love to hear more of your stories!
I actually said, out loud, while reading this, “Oh my god.”
You make me feel so normal; thank you.
I’m glad you feel that way, Cardiogirl. Curious, too. Which part made you say Oh my God? (I’m hoping your answer will make me feel more normal).
When you told him you’d make it worth his while.
Yeah, well. Shit happens.
I feel for you. It’s those situations that stop me dead in my tracks as if it were a life or death situation and end of spending a good 30 minutes having a press conference in my head! Brava!
Girlfriend Mom, a press conference in your head. Love it! Thanks so much for stopping by. I hope I’ll see you again!
Great story! I thought I was the only who had a talent for saying suggestive things accidentally. I’m glad to know I’m not alone.
No, Shary, you are most certainly not alone. After my sister’s wedding she was telling the caterer how good the food was. There was practically nothing left; she said the guests “ate her out.” She wanted to die.
hahahahahahahaahahhahahahahaha!!!!
What kind of person are you, Nicky, to make light of my faux pas? When I accidentally tell someone “I’ve been around the block and stopped at every house,” you’ll probably be the first one there to laugh at me. I’m not sure I appreciate that!
June,
That was classic! First, I have to tell you how much I enjoy your choice of words when describing a situation. The beauty of the imagery that ideas can shoehorn into your thoughts…”America’s Funniest Home Video” equally annoying host, and not wanting to be “the casual factor” to your supers fourth heart attack. I love how you took a deep breath and sallied forth…does a sally always accompany a vital wind exchange? This is tremendous! You are one talented writer on a lovely literary roll.
Annie, I’m not sure about the relationship between respiration and sallying. Given your dead lizard, there’s no clear answer. I’ll have to look into it.
Your kind words and encouragement have made my day. Perhaps even my week. Thank you.
The president of the engineering firm was named Paul. I worked for him directly. After the death of his mother, Paul called me into his office and asked if I would do him a favor. I said, of course. Paul handed me a box wrapped for mailing and told me he was sending some jewelry to his sister that had been his mom’s. He went on to tell me to have it insured for a sizable amount. I took the box and told him I’d take care of it. I went back to my office, grabbed my jacket and bag and headed for the elevator with the package in my hands. A co-worker asked me where I was going and I told him I had to take Paul’s family jewels to the post office. Oh dear God did I feel like an idiot when the man doubled over laughing.
I’m laughing, Linda. That was a good one. But it could have been so much worse (refer to my sister’s faux pas above).
I keep wondering how you’re doing with your toaster these days.
Great story! And I agree with Annie, your imagery and wording was fabulous. I had that same thought as I was reading the words. Funny, when you said, “I’ll make it worth your while,” all I thought was money. Until you took me round to the THOUGHT….then I got it. LOL! So I could have easily made this same mistake. Maybe it’s just naivity. Ha!
It’s funny you didn’t catch on right away either, Michael Ann. I have an off color mind, but this was so innocent! And thinkj, maybe your naivete alone will get you through the pearly gates.
Ahahahahahh! AhahahahahAHHAHHAHA! This is sofa king funny I can’t even type a comment!
I’m so glad, Meleah, that you’re so comfortable laughing at my expense. Please don’t feel that I resent you because you never said, “I’ll make it worth your while.” Because I know in my heart that you’re destined to say it, too. You are, you are, you are! And when you do, I promise to be right here to support you.
As usual,Im late to the party!
I was with Michael Ann,I didn’t think of THAT right away!
DO YOU really think he thought you were his Mrs. Robinson or that he was just smart enough he saw it as an accidental wording?
I hate that re-living thing that happens at odd moments! I am always doing blond things and eventually I have learned to laugh most of them off but there are those few horrific things that I can’t speak of that will come back to my mind unbidden!
GReat post as always!
Thanks, Samantha. I don’t think the kid took me literally, but I’m sure had a good laugh over it later. Ugh! And yes, while most mortifying moments are funny, there are some that are downright unpleasant to think about.
You did a great job of setting scene and seducing me with your words and building up the moment. I was laughing before I even finished just knowing something was around the corner waiting to cause me to spit out my coffee. I even put my cup down in anticipation of the moment. I loved that you continue to rake over your life trolling for these moments to share with us so we can laugh. I can’t see you walking over… and blurting, ‘I’ll make it…” classic. You do know for that split moment he undressed you and was entertaining the possibility… right?
Oh God, Brenda, NO! I never imagined him undressing me with his eyes. More than likely, I thought he winced and thought, “God, please no! Let her stay fully dressed!” Which is probably a thousand time worse. I’m so glad you got a laugh out of this and thank you for such an encouraging comment. I appreciate it.
Lovely craftsmanship, as always. It makes me a little sad that such a funny memory evokes pain.
Steve, the truth is, this doesn’t evoke quite as much pain as I portray. It’s still embarrassing (I’ll make it worth your while??) but more than anything, it’s an amusing story. And as I mull on it, I suspect there’s more to follow.
Air conditioner help? That’s a twenty dollar favor.
Ben, If I have to pay him twenty dollars for six minutes of his time, I might as well bake him cupcakes too. It’s a pleasure to see you!
You realize this kid is probably thinking you still haven’t made it worth his while and that the ten dollars are only a down payment until you work up the nerve or have some free time, right? hee hee! How I enjoyed this post, June! No worries, friend. We support you. You can lean on us because after all, who of us hasn’t committed a faux pas at one point or another? This summer, a shop keeper gave me a free tote bag and I said, “Thank you. I’ll think about you when I use it.” What I meant to say was, “The bag will serve to remind me of your shop.” How I went from this to that, I’ll never know. I hope the poor man never sues me for his therapy bills!
Nerve? Free time? I have neither. Well, maybe the nerve. But that’s not the point. I wish this kid would move!
So, “I’ll think about it when I use it…” Wow! Go Bella!
Oh. My. God. Now, that is embarrassing. And hilarious. Not that your misery or discomfort is a source of pleasure, but the fact that you can laugh at it is wonderful. I am also magnetic as far as embarrassing moments are concerned. Hmm. I feel a blog post coming on.
If you can’t laugh at yourself, Laura, life must must be pretty uninspiring. Right? I can’t wait to read about your tales of internal horror.